How do you break up with a group of friends?

  I have five good women friends — one I’ve known for 25 years; one I’ve known for eight years; the rest fall in between. We’re a disparate group ranging in age from 30-something to 60-something. Three are married and three used to be married. One of us is without children; the rest of us have 12 between us; three have grandchildren. The common link is work — once upon a time we all worked together and enjoyed it. The working group broke up seven years ago and we began to get together every 4-6 weeks for dinner. Over the years this get together morphed into five or six times a year getting together at someone’s home and ordering out for food because we’re working women and none of us is Martha Stewart (well, one of us is, but that’s another story). It’s an evening I anticipate with great relish. The talk is so thick you have to fight for air space. We laugh . We argue. Ignoring the rules of engagement, we bring up past incidents and throw them in one another’s faces, just because we can. We inflict each other with pictures of our kids and grandkids, trade horror stories about menopause and all forms of female suffering, diss our ex husbands, bosses, and in laws. We talk philosophy and recipes; cheer on that month’s winners and console the losers. Over the years we have walked beside each other through:

• two adulterous husbands
• two job terminations
• one work stress leave
• the birth of two children and nine grandchildren
• the arrival of three children chosen from outside Canada
• parents dying; parents in extended care; parents needing care

     A week ago we began the ritual chain of emails needed to pick the date and place for our next meeting. Since our last gathering, a long-anticipated adopted child has arrived, one of us has had surgery and one of us has been on safari in Kenya. There is much catching up to do. It came to a grinding halt with the arrival of this email from Anne (names changed to protect whoever needs protecting):

“Gang, I’m going to pass on this one. Africa and adoption are so not on my radar, and though I’m happy for you, I think you’ll have a good jaw on these two subjects alone. So have fun!”

     Female readers will know what followed: shocked silence, tentative probes to others asking what that’s about, expressions of hurt, hints of anger, one response to Anne expressing disappointment, and an outreach to Bonny (who’s close to Anne) to see if she can shed some light. That’s when the other shoe dropped. Bonny tells us she and Anne no longer feel connected to the group.

“I must admit the last few times we have met I have felt that the group just isn’t the same.  A long time has past and as expected everyone has gone on their individual way.”

     I have 27  e-mails in my In-Box from members of our group since Anne dropped her bomb and have spent more than an hour in telephone conversation.  The question I keep asking myself is this …

     How do you break up with a group of long-time friends? Can you move on in a way that doesn’t hurt folks you care about but no longer feel close to?